Eat Your Veggies

When my son was a baby, I made his baby food and thought getting him to eat veggies would be a piece of cake. I was so wrong. For years he has refused to eat them, but turning another year older, my husband and I knew it was time for him to step up to the big boy plate. I knew it would be a challenge to incorporate the simplest veggies into his diet, but I had no idea how difficult until this past week.

Eat Your Veggies

He could have cared less if I put cheese, butter or sugar on them. It didn’t matter if he helped pick them out or cook them. Adding veggies to his favorite dish only made him hate his favorites. No matter what we tried, he down right refused each offer. Along with the refusal to eat veggies came attitude, disrespect, defiance and a child we were unaccustomed to parenting creating a tension filled environment. It was so stressful, my husband and I were ready to give up after day one.

On day three, I found myself praying what seemed to be a silly prayer. Dear Lord, help him eat these veggies. I am exhausted! On day six, we were completely depleted, leaving us with no patience and lacking ideas. At this point, we hated veggies more than our five year old, but we had to stick with finding something that worked or shred our decent parent cards.

With so much bad behavior stemming from vegetables, I had no choice but to dish out punishment as well. When I took just one of his most precious toys away, he did not even blink an eye creating huge punishments never before dealt in our home.

My prayers continued and did not seem so silly anymore.

Father, help me to be the mother he needs to grow into the man you designed him to be. Lord, help him to learn about how to make good decisions and see how they impact his life.

I continued to pray with Jacob each night about vegetables and attitude and let him know I was praying for him every day. While praying through the situation, I realized there was more to this phase than just eating vegetables. He needed to learn no matter the situation, he was not to act with attitude and defiance. He needed to experience how decisions he made affect the way other people react to him. He needed to comprehend how the extra things in life, like toys, do not come with bad decisions. This was a new opportunity to teach him good verses bad.

Thankfully our schedule cleared from a busy week and I was able to stay home with Jacob. Sunday was the day nothing but vegetables would be offered.  After church, I came home alone with him. He was hungry and in a bad mood coupled with an atrocious attitude. Not only did he not get offered any food other than vegetables, I ignored him and explained it was because he had disrespected me for too long and did not deserve Mommy attention. With so much taken from him throughout the week, losing Mommy attention and all food normal to him, you can only imagine how the next 6 hours went. The standoff lasted until 5 pm when I offered him a green drink. I did not have too much hope because he has tried and disliked them in the past, but we were both willing to try anything. He took a drink, smiled and said, “This is actually pretty good!”  Halleluiah! Praise Jesus!

I was beyond tired of fighting, but I am glad I did not give up on him. If I don’t fight for him, who will? God has entrusted him to me and I know God has a plan for him. This may have started with vegetables, but there are so many other values and lessons wrapped up in moments and phases of parenthood like this one.

Scripture like Proverbs 22:6 is not just a suggestion from God. It is unfair and ineffective to throw the Bible and church at my kids and expect them to understand how to live a right and Christian life. They have to see the full circle of prayer and feel their experiences with God. Children need to be taught how to navigate through important things they don’t like while respecting authority. We live in a world where extra seems to be expected and is demanded despite behavior and poor choices. If they aren’t taught in their current phases, how will they thrive and be successful as they enter into life as an adult?

Even sitting in church yesterday I did not know how the veggie situation would play out because my son, even as a five year old, has free will. I did not want to force him. I wanted him to learn about choice. I wanted him to see that turning away from what is good has repercussion beyond his control. I want him to learn doing what is right and sometimes hard is ultimately the easiest route with far greater results.

I love opportunities to teach my children how to grow a Faith Painted Heart. It is hard for me to say no to the world and is no different for a young child because all sin is tempting and usually seems easier. My kids know about prayer and are taught how to learn from the Bible. Children too can learn and experience the goodness of God when presented the opportunity and explanations with their situations as the examples. I rather my children struggle through growing pains while I can still hold their hand and guide them as opposed to suffer through them and the humiliation as an adult.

I know there are some of you reading who are young and struggle to listen to a request of a parent or teacher. Listen. Follow through with respect. Please understand there is a reason to respect authority. Authority is wiser and more experienced. They can see things we can’t always see. They think in ways we don’t think and when we listen, obey and follow through with respect, we too are wiser. We skip the bad things that follow disrespect, refusal and defiance. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking God to hold your hand to help you through the unwanted process. God is faithful and will help you.

We all have choices to make and when untaught, bad decisions are more likely to be made. Parents, help your children make wise choices learning from you. You are their best teacher. Let the Bible be your guide and walk the way you want your children to walk.

God help us to take scripture like Proverbs 22:6 and Philippians 1:6 to parent with healthy strategies to grow good and Godly adults making a difference in the world. Help us to put our emotion, feelings and pride aside to go the required distance. Help our children obey and respect a little more with each lesson. We love you God and thank you for the sacrifices of the cross making this all possible. It is in Jesus name we pray. Amen.

Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. –Proverbs 22:6 (NLT)

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. –Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

Thankful Heart

Turning another year older last week made me think…knowing when my parents welcomed me into the world, I wonder when God created everything about me. As His creation, I think of how proud He must have been to see me in the arms of my parents as an infant. I can’t help but think about the disappointment He must feel when I mess up and make poor choices to let Him down. What about the times I walked down a path without God?

Instead of living in shame, I have to live for today.

           

Most Mondays I sit at my desk and work on the next blog post, but my birthday was different. I didn’t originally plan the day to be unlike any ordinary Monday just because it was my birthday, but my daughter approached me wanting to spend her day off from school with her great grand parents. Although I planned a visit with them later in the week and knew I would not be able to write, I could not deny her of this desire. When I called my grandmother with the change of plans, she was elated at the thought of spending the day with us so new plans were made.

Each time I visit my grand parents, my grandpa has a little more life in him with a little more to say and more happy chuckles to go with his smiles. This day was different. He was not happy despite our visit and he did not speak with happy chuckles or smiles. Determined to have a good day and get his smiles back, we decided to get him out the house to eat at one of his favorite restaurants. Lunch with my mom, sister and kids was just what he needed to lift his spirits and the food satisfied his appetite.

Because of my grandpa’s recent fall, they had not been to eat in a while and the staff noticed the void from their hungry visits.  When their routine waitress heard of his fall, her expression and kind words showed the heartbreak she felt. “I’ll bring food to you! Just stay well,” she repeated as she refilled his drink.  When it was time to head back to the house, my grandmother seemed to take longer than usual to pay her bill. I walked around the corner to check on her and noticed she was surrounded by support and love from several of the staff showing true friendship. The kindness seemed to keep coming. As we packed up and began to make our way to the door, the owner came from behind the scenes to pat my grandpa on the back and tell him how he was missed.

I am thankful my grandparents are more than just two old people who have frequented their restaurant tables for years. Had we let him sit in the chair growing an impression from his body, he would have missed out on his gifts for the day and remained a grumpy old man feeling no special love.

God’s love was ever present. He used everyday people to go above and beyond their job description to display His love. Thankfully my heart was focused to see His blessings.

Back home, my grandmother and son played as they always do with laughs, excited tones and joyous movements. Purposefully creating moments for my kids to have the opportunity to grow a relationship with their great grand parents always results in a gift, but to see my grandpa leave his chair to occupy the chair outside was indeed a priceless gift my heart will never forget. With shaky hands, he placed each car carefully onto the ramp and watched it race down with a car my son placed next to his. When both cars crashed to the ground below, cheers and laughs filled the atmosphere each time as if it was the first only to be repeated time and time again.

 Just as I remember as a child...with bees and all to scare
me away, but the beauty kept bringing me back. 

As the day came to an end, my daughter and I sat eating the cake she baked for me as we went through the pictures she’d taken throughout the day. Some were of the moments described, others of their house I once called home. Seeing the beauty of each photo and the way she highlighted objects surrounding my grand parents home collected visual reminders of memories to instantly bring comfort and wholeness to my already thankful heart.

All of these gifts could have easily been missed if I told my daughter no and stuck to the planned schedules. Each touch of grace would have gone unnoticed or devalued had I not been focused on God. Learning the true meaning of Godly living, I tried a new approach to focus my thoughts away from things seeming normal to the world.  As a result, my eyes have been open to so many blessings once overlooked.

I don’t want to be a disappointment to God. When I loose focus on Him, I loose focus on what really matters. Desire to have what is out of reach, gets me into trouble every time. So often I get bogged down wishing for more time in my day to complete necessary chores, exercise, properly prepare my son for kindergarten, write perfect words, help my daughter meet her full potential, support my husband and love them all well. I wish I had more clothes, better shoes, resources to finish decorating my house to complete each room to match my vision and on and on. Although some of these are good to focus on, others aren’t. I allow frustration, lack of patience, worldly desires and perfection cloud true perspectives. Being thankful clears a cloudy heart and rests with God’s love.

I want to make God proud and smile because He blesses me well; therefore, I have to be mindful there is always someone watching me because God is.

Lord, quiet our distractions to shift focus on today only - to leave our shame in the past and be thankful for what we have today. Help us to see what is not needed in our life and blocks our view of your majesty. Guide us to turning our focus away from costly desires requiring hours of planning and the need for perfection. Create in us the desire to love Jesus out loud because we overflow with thankfulness. Thank you for the cross making this all possible. It is in Jesus perfect name we pray. Amen.

“I knew you before you formed in your mother’s womb. Before you were born, I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” –Jeremiah 1:4-5 (NLT)

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it. –Psalm 139:14 (NLT)

For the Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life. –Job 33:4 (NLT)

We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. – 1 John 4:16 (NLT)

Guilt

I began to experience guilt as a child when I did something to make Mom or Dad unhappy or something foolish like cheat in math class. I knew I was wrong and punishment and consequences intensified guilty feelings. Going to church to confess my sins before a priest in a stuffy, tight space magnified shame from guilt. Leaving the little box felt as if everyone was staring at me and knew all I had done wrong shining a spotlight on my guilt.

It starts as a child. With a developing mind and more difficult situations, it grows into more. You wish you could turn back to change one little thing to avoid the avalanche of chaos, but what’s done is done. Guilt has set in and can mentally paralyze what is good in you. Guilt leaves you with a complexity of emotion sparked by the evil one to greatly distract you from all that is good and from God.

One Friday night, my boyfriend proposed, I said yes and wore a new ring as we celebrated the evening with his family and friends. Less than 48 hours later we learned I was pregnant. The news was not received well and brought my celebration to a quick end. Greatly intensified guilt sprouted new feelings of shame. I was only 20 years old and felt completely guilty from messing up what my parents and church taught. I was not supposed to get pregnant before I was married --only I had.

Guilt from childhood decisions and lifestyle practices piled high with the new guilt of creating a child before my time. What I love about God is even before we are ready to receive Him personally into our life or we know of His existence, He works for us. The moment I was able to look at her beauty and hold her in my arms, the guilt melted away.

Guilt is like a dirty pile of bricks weighing you down.

For years my family was unhealthy and suffered from brokenness. Guilt had no problem finding me again. It came upon me like a pile of bricks being thrown at me one at a time without ceasing. Unable to hold them all, they fell to my feet, hurting everything they touched to create a wall around me blocking true reality. Not only was I guilty for my part of the situations I was drowning in, I felt guilty for the same situations surrounding my innocent child. Guilt continued many more years for the pain she and I continued to endure.

I thought I was a master at living with guilt. Having suffered from it most of my life, I was sure I knew how it felt from every aspect. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I felt guilt like no other when I saw my grandfather fall down his porch stairs. It was as if it happened in slow motion and I was only a spectator with my hands behind my back. Too far away to help break his fall, I watched the concrete abruptly break his tumble. My heart pounded in my chest as I cried out his name wishing my voice could somehow soften the impact. When time returned to follow each second in real time, I raced to his side. Scared from the blood. Frozen in fear. I was not thinking clearly. With the help of my calm grandmother, we were able to get him cleaned up and safely returned to his favorite chair.

I silently thanked God he was not hurt as badly as the fall first appeared. Although thankful, I felt extremely guilty. I knew the thoughts were unjustifiably based and damaging. Knowing it was wrong did not stop the flood of emotion as the moment continuously replayed in my mind. I wanted him to be as I found him when I arrived. Even though my grandparents spoke kind words to help alleviate the pain, I drove home with guilty thoughts. The further I drove, the louder guilt spoke. I knew I needed to stop the guilt before it spiraled out of control. The difference between now and when I was twenty is I know where to turn when my thoughts try to overpower what I know to be right. I knew I needed to talk to God. So I prayed as I drove and allowed truth to pour in.

I reached out to several women from Bible Study and I spoke to my husband and sisters. As I retold the story over and over to cycle through it all, I heard encouraging words. Women began to pray for guilt to be released, his speedy recovery and my worry stricken family. I am grateful guilty thoughts do not fit with the truths God has for us. Slowly guilt began to speak in more hushed tones and dissipate as the day began to come to a close.

Thinking on repeat makes guilty thoughts absolute. Transferring thoughts to audible words enables me to pin point what is false, keep it untrue and shield myself from being misguided from false realities avoiding damaging impact.

I often wish this fall and all others in my life did not happen. However, God has been present for it all. With everything Satan touches, God also touches. I realized I was focusing on the evil touch rather than the loving touch of Christ. Had I not fallen in my twenties, I would not have my deep and personal relationship with God. Because of the downfalls, my daughter and I have a durable bond because we decide to overcome by focusing on truth and God.

There is no time for guilt and shame if focus is on what is important. If I had listened to the guilt, I would not have visited so soon after the fall and missed meaningful moments of joy and laughter. Thankfulness and love stamp my heart leaving no room for the guilt that attempted to overstay its welcome.

This week my grandmother told me how proud she is of me with the biggest smile. She tells me every time I see her as if it was the first time she has shared the feelings of satisfaction with me. The interesting thing is she knows just about every life-altering mistake I’ve made. She doesn’t see all my mistakes when she looks at me. She focuses on my determination, how I love her back and what I’ve done right despite my mistakes. Her love reminds me of God’s love. Because I am a sinner and live in a fallen world, I do fall captive to guilt. But now I reach out to God for help. God rescues me. He picks me up, washes me clean and sends me on my way stronger, wiser and more dedicated to Him.

God loves you just the same. I pray you feel God’s perfect love in your experiences to guide you toward release from the guilt you feel.

God we thank you for washing away our embarrassment, shame, guilt and regret. Help us to live purposefully for the moment of truth. Encourage us to leave the evil we get caught up in and focus on you. Comfort us in each moment to open our eyes to your majesty clearly sending us on our way stronger, wiser and closer to you. Thank you for the sacrifices Jesus made on the cross to make this all possible. It is in Jesus perfect name I pray. Amen.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your soul.” – Matthew 11:28-29 NLT

But you, O Lord, are a God of compassion and mercy, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. –Psalm 86:15 (NLT)

But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. -1 John 1:9 (NLT)

“I – yes, I alone – will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again.” -Isaiah 43:25 (NLT) 

Surrender

It stews inside you. Each situation more dramatic than the first. Chaos begins to increase. Deciphering where each moment ends and begins becomes more complex. Anger dwelling within takes control.

So often we misinterpret our feelings as anger. Being angry puts the blame of unidentified emotion on someone else. Being angry somehow validates our negative emotion because of what was done to us. Being angry allows us to focus on everything surrounding the damaging situation except what we can change. 

Identifying what we can’t change helps narrow our focus on what we can transform.

Why do we get caught up and fixated on what we can’t reverse? We can’t switch someone else’s actions. We certainly can’t shift the thoughts of others with bad behavior. We can’t change medical results. We can’t prevent unfortunate circumstances of nature. We can’t change the date and time and we most certainly can’t modify the true will of God. So why focus on such constant invariables?

Consider the amount of time you spend studying a situation or the individual that made you mad. Think about all the words you have spoken about her blameworthy behavior and how angry it made you. Count how many people you have told of her offense. Acknowledge the hours you spend toiling over the situation to keep it fresh. Think of the thoughts you have had planning sweet revenge or wishing ill will on her. How much time has been spent contemplating how she needs to change to better benefit you?

What good has any of this produced in your life?

Have any of these anger driven forces benefited you or those you love in any way? Has the anger won you anything other than high blood pressure, mounting irritation, grudge holding distress and embarrassment?

Anger gets you in a very bad place and gets you there quick. It gets you so far into the pits of selfishness you don’t always know how you got there or at what point you lost control. Anger changes true perspectives making it difficult to climb out of the pit of despair you stubbornly created. Good deeds and intentions of others are missed. Good things with lasting promise wrapped in truth providing insight fall short and possibly even fuels your anger.  Anger stops you in your tracks from doing what you know to be right.

Anger affects more than just you. Anger prevents others from benefiting from the good you have to offer and forces your suffering on them. Unfortunately those in your anger path are the ones you love the most and don’t intend to hurt. When they lash out because of your anger driven words or actions, they too are added to the stew as the cycle spins out of control.

I have had plenty of moments in life where anger has controlled my thoughts and even my actions. From co-worker to boss, mother to ex-husband, stupid decision to uncontrollable situation. Anger was second nature to me and something I mistakenly became familiar with. Growing up, I lived in a tense environment driven by hurt-filled anger. I was not taught how to venture into my emotion and decipher what I was really feeling. As was demonstrated to me, I lashed out. At first it began as a silent anger. The stew was stirred, ingredients were added and the silence was no longer silent. Foul words began to pour out of me releasing what felt dead and rotten inside making me feel good as the stew poured on to others only to add to theirs. Stew tossed back and forth like an invisible food fight created lasting pain and damaging aftermaths.

Bad choices made by other afflicted souls continually damaged mine. The cycle spins out of control. No one able or willing to hold up the white flag and surrender the anger driven behavior. Each soul desperately yearns for the surrender. Oblivious as to how to even pick up the flag, let alone wave it back and forth to signify turning the fire off under the stew and throw it out.

My unidentified feelings were displayed with angry and embarrassing behavior for all to see. I was hurt. My heart had been bruised. Unaware of how to deal with the pain, I marched on with an exposed and angry heart. My pain sprouted from the behavior of others freely dumping their anger on me. The results of their blameworthy behavior made me who I was.

The thought of how I looked when others instant replayed the look on my face when I shouted in anger made me want to hold my head in shame and run away. The thought of how I made my kids feel when I overreacted to simple situations broke my bruised heart. The thought of how I made God feel with my behavior created lasting guilt. I knew I had the option to be better and hope of becoming someone that made God smile, but I didn’t know how. If only I could pick up my little white flag.

We all have a choice and I made mine.

I made the decision to end the angry cycle in my life. I no longer wanted the stew brewing inside of me. I did not want my kids to feel pain from my unidentified emotions. Although acting out the choice to be different from what I had grown accustom to and felt comfortable with started as a daily struggle, it got easier.

The transformation desired sprouted different flowers of hope. The Holy Spirit held my hand. The Word of God guided my steps of change encouraging me to pick up my white flag and wave it proudly. I began to taste freedom after throwing the stew out.

I came into existence believing God made me who I am – not the mistakes of others.

Start with a prayer. First, let God know you accept His ways and desire to let go of what makes you comfortable, but causes damage in your life. Then ask God to open your eyes to properly diagnosis your anger and unidentified feelings.

This week in addition to prayer, contemplate your stew. What needs to be thrown out making room to pick up your white flag? Next week I plan to share with you how the process of digging deep has worked for me to better control my anger and other pain driven burdens in my life.

You can be better. Find your true existence believing God made you who you are – not the mistakes of others.

God, as wholeheartedly as we know how, we ask for guidance for biblically based transformation. Lasting transformation to rid us of feeling our bruised hearts. May your love surround us and guide our bruised heart to mend and lead with gentle grace and humility. God we thank you for the sacrifices of the cross to make this all possible. It is in Jesus perfect name we pray. Amen.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. - Ephesians 4:2-4 (NLT)

But that’s no life for you. You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything – and I do mean everything – connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you. - Ephesians 4:23-24 (MSG)

Becoming the Person God Intended

I was in a prison cell of anger and did not know how to get out.  I kept hearing the word transformation in sermons and knew I wanted the dramatic change from inside so I began to work for it.

Through prayer and communication with God, I surrendered my life to Him as fully as I knew how. Understanding I needed God to greatly transform my life, I started a new way of thinking to mentally approach situations differently. I realized I was the problem.

The most difficult part of transformation was the digging deep process. I started by selecting a specific memory from childhood and thought about it in great detail. I needed to remember what happened focusing on how I felt without using the word angry. Writing down the specifics of the memory provided an open outlet between God and I. Releasing my mind with freedom to roam unleashed true and raw emotion I normally block to protect myself. Because God held my hand through the process, I was encouraged to continue with several other specific memories eagerly awaiting the next piece of truth I had buried. Preventing myself from using the word angry to describe how I felt welcomed a new perspective to the person I had subconsciously become. By opening a better understanding of more defined feelings, I began to find the answers I was looking for.

I learned I have never really had confidence. Around other kids at school, I was ashamed of my different skin color. I wanted to hide. If they couldn’t see me, they couldn’t make fun of me. To make matters worse, my clothes were not nearly up to par. I had glasses, braces and weird hair. So many things to make fun of with no detail spared when kids pointed and laughed at each flaw. I went through a phase refusing to wear shorts during the hot summer months afraid to be made fun of for my pale, skinny legs. Learning to hide and feel less than what God created became normal.

At home I lacked confidence because I felt I could not do much to make Mom proud of me. It seemed as though every way I turned, she found something to correct. When she corrected me, I didn’t feel like she loved me. I fixated on the anger displayed in her voice and expressions. Feeling uncomfortable, insignificant and bothersome became second nature. Always wanting something different, I grew more and more sad. I began to discover the root of my anger when I saw how sadness was misidentified and displayed as anger.

In the beginning I was looking for quick fixes. I wanted a Bible verse to memorize and repeat throughout my day to magically prevent me from acting out my anger. To no surprise, it did not quite work that way. I was discouraged the Bible was not helping in moments I struggled the most. Without understanding why it wasn’t working for me, I began to naturally think the problem had to be me. I was intimidated because others knew so much more about the Bible, could recite verses word for word, recount Paul’s entire journey or know how something from the Old Testament related to the New Testament. I had not read the Bible cover to cover making me feel like I was not good enough to benefit from it. I fixated on the struggle.  Stuck in my troublesome thoughts, I remembered my surrender. I accepted the fact I needed confidence from the Lord because the battle within was so deep it prevented me from finding confidence to read the Bible.

I began to read scripture as if God was reading His words directly to me.

My precious child, be strong and courageous! Rachel I know you feel weak, but don’t be afraid. Do not panic and lose control before them. I am the Lord your God and I will personally go ahead of you. I will neither fail you nor abandon you. Deuteronomy 31:6 was a promise God made to me. He affirmed how I felt and how others had so often failed me. The Holy Spirit wrapped the words around my heart. The words were not just words I tried to memorize anymore. They were words spoken into my broken soul as God instructed me toward his righteousness.

The more I aligned my thoughts with the words in the Bible, the more anger began to release its tight hold on me.

I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted God to know everything about me no matter how embarrassing it was for me to tell Him. I found strength in simply being honest with Him. Being honest with God allowed me to be honest with myself. Being honest with myself opened new eyes to see issues once blind to me. My flaws became larger than the flaws of others. When I read scripture like Matthew 7:3, I had a new clear understanding and personal conviction. I didn’t close the Bible and wish I hadn’t read the verse. I dug into it. I added it to the pain and affliction I dug up and began to think how I could change to better handle hard situations. I was no longer struggling to memorize scripture. I was living scripture.

I did have to be careful. Not only was I an angry person lacking self-confidence, I suffer from being extremely hard on myself. I had to purposefully turn to scripture to focus on mistakes while ignoring the self inflicted guilt and shame. God did not intend for me to feel dirty from my mistakes. He washed me clean. I prayed for God to create a clean heart (Psalm 51:10) and personally believed He washed me clean every time guilt and shame crept in. Realizing I spent enough time being embarrassed over mistakes, it was time to learn how to stop making them to avoid feelings distancing me from God.

I had to forgive myself. God did not complete the sacrifice on the cross for me to live a life of guilt and shame. He loves me despite my sin and wants me clean. I had to accept His love in each situation I felt guilty or shameful.  I also had to forgive people who have caused pain and created conflict in my life. Jesus suffered for us all. The cross had new meaning in my life by humbly considering all included more than just me, I acknowledged all to include even those who hurt me.

I still struggle. I still get angry, but it is different now. I find my true existence believing God made me and work to become the person He intended me to be so I don’t stay angry and act less and less from angry motives.

I can’t completely describe how things have changed because I don’t fully understand the work of God. It is as if God reached inside and pulled the anger out of me. Although I don’t fully understand, I have a thankful heart for His work. Focusing on being a better Christ follower has pushed the unwanted junk away from my heart to achieve lasting transformation.

God, thank you for the cross making forgiveness and transformation possible. Help us take proper steps to give the cross new life as opposed to something that stands tall outside a church building. May your words in the Bible speak to us as if you were reading them aloud to make them personal, convicting and full of hope. Thank you for your love and acceptance. In Jesus perfect name I pray. Amen.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. – Galatians 2:20

Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. – Colossians 3:16

And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? – Matthew 7:3