Weak Without the Strength of Jesus

“Washed Clean by the Power of God” was written about a month before I published and shared it publicly. Oddly, I did not know what to do with it. Unclear to the reasoning for my hesitation, I kept going back to it. Randomly opening the collection of words, I would read and edit. The message from God became more and more clear with each re-read as I prepared for application. I felt such a strong affirmation of encouragement for forgiveness, I shared and began my process of forgiveness with God.

Hours after I shared, I took my eyes off of Jesus. Things started to get chaotic and busy. My time and focused thoughts on God lessened. The worldly suggestions from Satan began to creep into my thoughts and my anxieties had much control.

I was Mack in The Shack when the boat started to fill with water and darkness filled his view because he took his focus off of the strength and power of Jesus. The chaos around him created by his mind was because he was focused on the effects of his anxiety. He became weak.

I too am weak without the strength of Jesus. We all are whether we are humble enough to admit it or not.

When we take our mind’s focus off Jesus, where does it go? What feeds our thoughts? What fuels our energy? What corrupts our intentions and motivation?

Anger, resentment, power and pride are nourished and given power over our thoughts, words and actions. When this happens, we separate ourselves from God. Oddly enough, my separation from God began soon after being so close with Him.

I was angry again. I stared the unidentified emotion in the eyes and felt frustrated from the fact that it can tear me down so easily. Ignoring the consequences of my anger, I activated the imaginary, yet very real walls, blocking logical thinking and truths of scripture.

A day or two went by and I begin to verbalize my thoughts. The more I described my anger to trusted individuals, the more I heard how ridiculous I was being. Thankfully because of my deeper relationship with God, the unbreakable walls I grew accustom to have been transformed into temporary, weak walls. I knew I was not right. I was faced with the truths of my behavior rather quickly and had a decision to make. Trying to rationalize with wisdom, I struggled because it is easier to run in place with anger. Anger seems justified and even reasonable, but after a while, there is no more energy and rest is needed.

As I began to turn the corner away from anger, I was reminded of the message Sunday morning at church. Pastor Paul reminded me I have two choices and two choices only. I can hate. Or I can forgive.

And let’s just back up a moment and touch on the fact that last Sunday’s message ended with forgiveness. It was clear. Forgiveness was the message God was sending me – despite my lack of Godly focus. I was certain I needed to realign focus to the God who forgives me – over and over again.

Thinking back to the many edits on “Washed Clean by the Power of God”, I realized I took out a key and vital part of the reconstruction process - my prayer to God. I took it out because the word count at the bottom of the document was far too long. I did not think anyone would read what I had to share if there were too many words. But this prayer that I pray often is important to my process.

Not only did I remove it from the post, I stopped praying it with a heart of transparency. In doing so, I let Satan’s repetitive lies affect me. Evaluating my decline in progress, I accepted the fact that the anger I was exhibiting was not justified. The hurts I need to deal with are not nearly as bad as Satan manipulated them to feel. He wants me angry. He wants me to hate. He finds joy in robbing me of my joy.

I say no thank you. Although the pain inflicted is real and damaging, it is not too much for God to handle. I honestly do not know the outcome of this situation, but I do know that the story I tell in the future will involve forgiveness. I will not hate. I will forgive. In order to do it, I have to pray the prayer every single day until forgiveness seems almost easy and is complete.

Okay, God. I need you to soften my heart. I need you to take the pain and put it wherever you put it when it seems to disappear from me. You can have it. I don’t want it. I am choosing to not harp over what was done, but I need you to take it away so there is nothing for me to hold on to. I release my pain to you so that I can follow the ways of Jesus - because I love you. Because I know you have done this for me before and I know you will do it for me again. Thank you!

The prayers we lift to God do not always have to be neat or professionally written. God does not count words or fix grammatical errors. He does however acknowledge and heal our broken. He restores our joy because He sees us by looking at our heart when we are transparent and welcoming. He gives us rest through His peace.

I am still in my forgiveness process. To keep my eyes on Jesus, I will listen to worship music throughout my days. I will work to be intentional to align my need for forgiveness at the front of my thoughts and remember what God has already done in my life. There are so many intentional and purposeful decisions to make daily - even moment to moment. But I know forgiveness is to come. With eyes on Jesus, I have hope and no longer feel weak.

What Satan attempted to steal only lasted a moment. I am so thankful for the ways God works in my life when I allow Him to be who He says He is.

I am so thankful God is always focused when I am not. I am thankful God is always ready to receive me when I have worked through my stubbornness and reach my hand back out to receive Him. I am thankful for the cross. It is not always easy to pick mine up, but tomorrow I am going to attempt to do a better job than I did today.

“Replace what you don’t know about the future with what you do know about God.” – Christine Caine

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

-James 1:22 (NIV)

Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?         –Matthew 16:24-26 (MSG)

This is what the Lord says: “Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, in an uninhabited salty land.

But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.         – Jeremiah 17:5-8

Washed Clean by the Power of God

Unexpectedly, I found myself downing in painful emotion as I listened to my friend explain her recent experience. The situation she described was not mine, but my uninvited emotions were tugged because of occurrences in my past. The feelings that came over me made me feel as though I was sitting in a chair five years previous of any work of forgiveness.

Did I not really forgive? Did I do forgiveness wrong?

I wanted to be angry, but the sadness was too intense. I wanted to eat. Not because I was hungry, but because I was hurt. I wanted to run. Not because I needed to get a jog in to exercise, but because I wanted to literally run from the pain that had blindsided me. I honestly wanted to do anything, but confront the truths of my feelings – again.

I was fixated on my situations in the past and knew I was making a mistake when my sadness did indeed turn to anger. If the thoughts bouncing wildly in my mind had been given audible words, I would have completely embarrassed myself. I knew I was wrongly focused.

Anger can come from spending too much time fixated on figuring out situations with binoculars on other people. Sometimes we pretend to have x-ray vision into their minds escaping all reality. Tricky detective-like-research and perception based what-if thinking takes all the focus off of self and focuses on things outside of our control.

When I took my focus off the other people, anger began to ease and I saw myself more clearly - I saw what I can control. With more rational and less anxious thinking, I concluded my pain came from a situation I had not yet processed and forgiven. My emotion was from three months ago. It had not traveled back in time as far as I originally thought.

When I looked at this most recent situation needing forgiveness with a desire to reconcile my unwanted feelings, I realized forgiveness is much like eating a carrot. Not carrots in a bag prewashed or bite size on a veggie tray - the big, unclean, imperfect ones. The ones covered in dirt needing to be washed and peeled before eating. While this may seem a bit far stretched, the light bulb went off while recalling scripture.

There is a familiar conversation between Peter and Jesus in Matthew 18:21-22 about forgiveness:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

Jesus goes on to teach Peter in further conversation, but it is this piece of the teaching that has always been difficult for me to comprehend for submissive application. So often my thoughts are controlled by anxiety or anger when I need to practice application.

When I stop pointing fingers as victim and I am done playing detective, I am better able to have a mindset of Jesus as described in Luke 23:34.

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

The hurt applied was not intentional pain inflicted upon me. I can choose to look at the situation with a heart of Jesus. Perhaps they did not know they were hurting me. Maybe they did, but didn’t know how to stop their poor choices.

There is no one in this world that does not experience pain and struggle. These things unidentified and left alone will fester into bad habits and an avalanche of chaos runs a muck. I can be upset and run frantic in the avalanche to create more discord or I can calmly pick myself up and prevent myself from being in the avalanche again. Healthy responses and healthy boundaries require forgiveness. We cannot always run away from people.

For application learning, it is important to take Peter out of these verses in Matthew 18 and insert our selves. Matthew documented this conversation so we could learn from it. Since we are the only person we can control, we should put ourselves in front of Jesus so He is able to speak to us. Another step to help with application is to honestly tell God what is hard for us and ask for His help in the areas of our struggle.

Once we ask God to do the hard part, we can do the “follow” part and good things will begin to happen. He helps us in ways unimaginable. The control we so desperately want of our emotional management begins to take shape and less control is attempted over other people.

Here is where the carrot comes in. We have to peel and wash the carrot in order to eat. This is our process with God. We need to peel ourselves off the situation allowing God to wash us clean so we can act with a mindset of Jesus.

See the first time we forgive, it is pretty easy because the tip of the carrot is hardly a bite at all. It is easy to break off. We chew with hardly any crunch and easily swallow it down to be gone. The more we bite off the carrot of forgiveness, the more work we have to do. The process continues to intensify as the carrot disappears each time we bite from it. Just before the stem are the hardest bites. When we get this far, we have forgiven many times over.

I find myself way beyond the seven times I thought were all I had in me. I have stared at the carrot repeatedly knowing I need to bite from it over and over again. With prayers lifted to my Father, I was thankfully able to forgive each time. But now I hold in my hand the stem and leaves. What am I to do with this? There is no more carrot to bite from. Is there any more forgiveness left?

I am left with God and the power of the Holy Spirit, but they are only as powerful in my situations as I allow. Biting from the carrot was a process of learning to work with God through forgiveness. Now I have to act solely from the power of the Holy Spirit after being in direct and constant communication with the Father because I cannot do it alone.

We each have our own carrot – perhaps one for each person in our life. And maybe this process does not match up to every person and forgiveness scenario. Perhaps your carrot is for one big thing that has almost destroyed your life and decisions. It seems the carrot needs to be eaten all at once. The big bite seems impossible to swallow down to be gone forever.

Either way, we are not intended to carry out any acts of forgiveness alone. Jesus never called us to follow Him and His ways without the help of the Father. We must peel ourselves, repent and ask that God clean us before we can even get started.

God, forgiveness is such a hard thing - seemingly impossible at times making us throw our hands up and want to run away. Help us in our moments to have a heart and mind of Jesus. Help us to take control of our emotional management by releasing the control we hold of others. God we need your help. Forgiveness is so readily needed in our lives - help us to embrace submission. God, I thank you for the cross making this all possible. It is in Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.  - Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. - Romans 8:7 (NIV)

As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. - Psalm 18:30 (NIV)

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. – Colossians 3:13 (NIV)

Psalm 51:1-12 is recommended as follow up reading in God’s Word.  May you experience the beauty of being washed clean by God.