Guilt

I began to experience guilt as a child when I did something to make Mom or Dad unhappy or something foolish like cheat in math class. I knew I was wrong and punishment and consequences intensified guilty feelings. Going to church to confess my sins before a priest in a stuffy, tight space magnified shame from guilt. Leaving the little box felt as if everyone was staring at me and knew all I had done wrong shining a spotlight on my guilt.

It starts as a child. With a developing mind and more difficult situations, it grows into more. You wish you could turn back to change one little thing to avoid the avalanche of chaos, but what’s done is done. Guilt has set in and can mentally paralyze what is good in you. Guilt leaves you with a complexity of emotion sparked by the evil one to greatly distract you from all that is good and from God.

One Friday night, my boyfriend proposed, I said yes and wore a new ring as we celebrated the evening with his family and friends. Less than 48 hours later we learned I was pregnant. The news was not received well and brought my celebration to a quick end. Greatly intensified guilt sprouted new feelings of shame. I was only 20 years old and felt completely guilty from messing up what my parents and church taught. I was not supposed to get pregnant before I was married --only I had.

Guilt from childhood decisions and lifestyle practices piled high with the new guilt of creating a child before my time. What I love about God is even before we are ready to receive Him personally into our life or we know of His existence, He works for us. The moment I was able to look at her beauty and hold her in my arms, the guilt melted away.

Guilt is like a dirty pile of bricks weighing you down.

For years my family was unhealthy and suffered from brokenness. Guilt had no problem finding me again. It came upon me like a pile of bricks being thrown at me one at a time without ceasing. Unable to hold them all, they fell to my feet, hurting everything they touched to create a wall around me blocking true reality. Not only was I guilty for my part of the situations I was drowning in, I felt guilty for the same situations surrounding my innocent child. Guilt continued many more years for the pain she and I continued to endure.

I thought I was a master at living with guilt. Having suffered from it most of my life, I was sure I knew how it felt from every aspect. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I felt guilt like no other when I saw my grandfather fall down his porch stairs. It was as if it happened in slow motion and I was only a spectator with my hands behind my back. Too far away to help break his fall, I watched the concrete abruptly break his tumble. My heart pounded in my chest as I cried out his name wishing my voice could somehow soften the impact. When time returned to follow each second in real time, I raced to his side. Scared from the blood. Frozen in fear. I was not thinking clearly. With the help of my calm grandmother, we were able to get him cleaned up and safely returned to his favorite chair.

I silently thanked God he was not hurt as badly as the fall first appeared. Although thankful, I felt extremely guilty. I knew the thoughts were unjustifiably based and damaging. Knowing it was wrong did not stop the flood of emotion as the moment continuously replayed in my mind. I wanted him to be as I found him when I arrived. Even though my grandparents spoke kind words to help alleviate the pain, I drove home with guilty thoughts. The further I drove, the louder guilt spoke. I knew I needed to stop the guilt before it spiraled out of control. The difference between now and when I was twenty is I know where to turn when my thoughts try to overpower what I know to be right. I knew I needed to talk to God. So I prayed as I drove and allowed truth to pour in.

I reached out to several women from Bible Study and I spoke to my husband and sisters. As I retold the story over and over to cycle through it all, I heard encouraging words. Women began to pray for guilt to be released, his speedy recovery and my worry stricken family. I am grateful guilty thoughts do not fit with the truths God has for us. Slowly guilt began to speak in more hushed tones and dissipate as the day began to come to a close.

Thinking on repeat makes guilty thoughts absolute. Transferring thoughts to audible words enables me to pin point what is false, keep it untrue and shield myself from being misguided from false realities avoiding damaging impact.

I often wish this fall and all others in my life did not happen. However, God has been present for it all. With everything Satan touches, God also touches. I realized I was focusing on the evil touch rather than the loving touch of Christ. Had I not fallen in my twenties, I would not have my deep and personal relationship with God. Because of the downfalls, my daughter and I have a durable bond because we decide to overcome by focusing on truth and God.

There is no time for guilt and shame if focus is on what is important. If I had listened to the guilt, I would not have visited so soon after the fall and missed meaningful moments of joy and laughter. Thankfulness and love stamp my heart leaving no room for the guilt that attempted to overstay its welcome.

This week my grandmother told me how proud she is of me with the biggest smile. She tells me every time I see her as if it was the first time she has shared the feelings of satisfaction with me. The interesting thing is she knows just about every life-altering mistake I’ve made. She doesn’t see all my mistakes when she looks at me. She focuses on my determination, how I love her back and what I’ve done right despite my mistakes. Her love reminds me of God’s love. Because I am a sinner and live in a fallen world, I do fall captive to guilt. But now I reach out to God for help. God rescues me. He picks me up, washes me clean and sends me on my way stronger, wiser and more dedicated to Him.

God loves you just the same. I pray you feel God’s perfect love in your experiences to guide you toward release from the guilt you feel.

God we thank you for washing away our embarrassment, shame, guilt and regret. Help us to live purposefully for the moment of truth. Encourage us to leave the evil we get caught up in and focus on you. Comfort us in each moment to open our eyes to your majesty clearly sending us on our way stronger, wiser and closer to you. Thank you for the sacrifices Jesus made on the cross to make this all possible. It is in Jesus perfect name I pray. Amen.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your soul.” – Matthew 11:28-29 NLT

But you, O Lord, are a God of compassion and mercy, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. –Psalm 86:15 (NLT)

But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. -1 John 1:9 (NLT)

“I – yes, I alone – will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again.” -Isaiah 43:25 (NLT) 

Surrender

It stews inside you. Each situation more dramatic than the first. Chaos begins to increase. Deciphering where each moment ends and begins becomes more complex. Anger dwelling within takes control.

So often we misinterpret our feelings as anger. Being angry puts the blame of unidentified emotion on someone else. Being angry somehow validates our negative emotion because of what was done to us. Being angry allows us to focus on everything surrounding the damaging situation except what we can change. 

Identifying what we can’t change helps narrow our focus on what we can transform.

Why do we get caught up and fixated on what we can’t reverse? We can’t switch someone else’s actions. We certainly can’t shift the thoughts of others with bad behavior. We can’t change medical results. We can’t prevent unfortunate circumstances of nature. We can’t change the date and time and we most certainly can’t modify the true will of God. So why focus on such constant invariables?

Consider the amount of time you spend studying a situation or the individual that made you mad. Think about all the words you have spoken about her blameworthy behavior and how angry it made you. Count how many people you have told of her offense. Acknowledge the hours you spend toiling over the situation to keep it fresh. Think of the thoughts you have had planning sweet revenge or wishing ill will on her. How much time has been spent contemplating how she needs to change to better benefit you?

What good has any of this produced in your life?

Have any of these anger driven forces benefited you or those you love in any way? Has the anger won you anything other than high blood pressure, mounting irritation, grudge holding distress and embarrassment?

Anger gets you in a very bad place and gets you there quick. It gets you so far into the pits of selfishness you don’t always know how you got there or at what point you lost control. Anger changes true perspectives making it difficult to climb out of the pit of despair you stubbornly created. Good deeds and intentions of others are missed. Good things with lasting promise wrapped in truth providing insight fall short and possibly even fuels your anger.  Anger stops you in your tracks from doing what you know to be right.

Anger affects more than just you. Anger prevents others from benefiting from the good you have to offer and forces your suffering on them. Unfortunately those in your anger path are the ones you love the most and don’t intend to hurt. When they lash out because of your anger driven words or actions, they too are added to the stew as the cycle spins out of control.

I have had plenty of moments in life where anger has controlled my thoughts and even my actions. From co-worker to boss, mother to ex-husband, stupid decision to uncontrollable situation. Anger was second nature to me and something I mistakenly became familiar with. Growing up, I lived in a tense environment driven by hurt-filled anger. I was not taught how to venture into my emotion and decipher what I was really feeling. As was demonstrated to me, I lashed out. At first it began as a silent anger. The stew was stirred, ingredients were added and the silence was no longer silent. Foul words began to pour out of me releasing what felt dead and rotten inside making me feel good as the stew poured on to others only to add to theirs. Stew tossed back and forth like an invisible food fight created lasting pain and damaging aftermaths.

Bad choices made by other afflicted souls continually damaged mine. The cycle spins out of control. No one able or willing to hold up the white flag and surrender the anger driven behavior. Each soul desperately yearns for the surrender. Oblivious as to how to even pick up the flag, let alone wave it back and forth to signify turning the fire off under the stew and throw it out.

My unidentified feelings were displayed with angry and embarrassing behavior for all to see. I was hurt. My heart had been bruised. Unaware of how to deal with the pain, I marched on with an exposed and angry heart. My pain sprouted from the behavior of others freely dumping their anger on me. The results of their blameworthy behavior made me who I was.

The thought of how I looked when others instant replayed the look on my face when I shouted in anger made me want to hold my head in shame and run away. The thought of how I made my kids feel when I overreacted to simple situations broke my bruised heart. The thought of how I made God feel with my behavior created lasting guilt. I knew I had the option to be better and hope of becoming someone that made God smile, but I didn’t know how. If only I could pick up my little white flag.

We all have a choice and I made mine.

I made the decision to end the angry cycle in my life. I no longer wanted the stew brewing inside of me. I did not want my kids to feel pain from my unidentified emotions. Although acting out the choice to be different from what I had grown accustom to and felt comfortable with started as a daily struggle, it got easier.

The transformation desired sprouted different flowers of hope. The Holy Spirit held my hand. The Word of God guided my steps of change encouraging me to pick up my white flag and wave it proudly. I began to taste freedom after throwing the stew out.

I came into existence believing God made me who I am – not the mistakes of others.

Start with a prayer. First, let God know you accept His ways and desire to let go of what makes you comfortable, but causes damage in your life. Then ask God to open your eyes to properly diagnosis your anger and unidentified feelings.

This week in addition to prayer, contemplate your stew. What needs to be thrown out making room to pick up your white flag? Next week I plan to share with you how the process of digging deep has worked for me to better control my anger and other pain driven burdens in my life.

You can be better. Find your true existence believing God made you who you are – not the mistakes of others.

God, as wholeheartedly as we know how, we ask for guidance for biblically based transformation. Lasting transformation to rid us of feeling our bruised hearts. May your love surround us and guide our bruised heart to mend and lead with gentle grace and humility. God we thank you for the sacrifices of the cross to make this all possible. It is in Jesus perfect name we pray. Amen.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. - Ephesians 4:2-4 (NLT)

But that’s no life for you. You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything – and I do mean everything – connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you. - Ephesians 4:23-24 (MSG)

Becoming the Person God Intended

I was in a prison cell of anger and did not know how to get out.  I kept hearing the word transformation in sermons and knew I wanted the dramatic change from inside so I began to work for it.

Through prayer and communication with God, I surrendered my life to Him as fully as I knew how. Understanding I needed God to greatly transform my life, I started a new way of thinking to mentally approach situations differently. I realized I was the problem.

The most difficult part of transformation was the digging deep process. I started by selecting a specific memory from childhood and thought about it in great detail. I needed to remember what happened focusing on how I felt without using the word angry. Writing down the specifics of the memory provided an open outlet between God and I. Releasing my mind with freedom to roam unleashed true and raw emotion I normally block to protect myself. Because God held my hand through the process, I was encouraged to continue with several other specific memories eagerly awaiting the next piece of truth I had buried. Preventing myself from using the word angry to describe how I felt welcomed a new perspective to the person I had subconsciously become. By opening a better understanding of more defined feelings, I began to find the answers I was looking for.

I learned I have never really had confidence. Around other kids at school, I was ashamed of my different skin color. I wanted to hide. If they couldn’t see me, they couldn’t make fun of me. To make matters worse, my clothes were not nearly up to par. I had glasses, braces and weird hair. So many things to make fun of with no detail spared when kids pointed and laughed at each flaw. I went through a phase refusing to wear shorts during the hot summer months afraid to be made fun of for my pale, skinny legs. Learning to hide and feel less than what God created became normal.

At home I lacked confidence because I felt I could not do much to make Mom proud of me. It seemed as though every way I turned, she found something to correct. When she corrected me, I didn’t feel like she loved me. I fixated on the anger displayed in her voice and expressions. Feeling uncomfortable, insignificant and bothersome became second nature. Always wanting something different, I grew more and more sad. I began to discover the root of my anger when I saw how sadness was misidentified and displayed as anger.

In the beginning I was looking for quick fixes. I wanted a Bible verse to memorize and repeat throughout my day to magically prevent me from acting out my anger. To no surprise, it did not quite work that way. I was discouraged the Bible was not helping in moments I struggled the most. Without understanding why it wasn’t working for me, I began to naturally think the problem had to be me. I was intimidated because others knew so much more about the Bible, could recite verses word for word, recount Paul’s entire journey or know how something from the Old Testament related to the New Testament. I had not read the Bible cover to cover making me feel like I was not good enough to benefit from it. I fixated on the struggle.  Stuck in my troublesome thoughts, I remembered my surrender. I accepted the fact I needed confidence from the Lord because the battle within was so deep it prevented me from finding confidence to read the Bible.

I began to read scripture as if God was reading His words directly to me.

My precious child, be strong and courageous! Rachel I know you feel weak, but don’t be afraid. Do not panic and lose control before them. I am the Lord your God and I will personally go ahead of you. I will neither fail you nor abandon you. Deuteronomy 31:6 was a promise God made to me. He affirmed how I felt and how others had so often failed me. The Holy Spirit wrapped the words around my heart. The words were not just words I tried to memorize anymore. They were words spoken into my broken soul as God instructed me toward his righteousness.

The more I aligned my thoughts with the words in the Bible, the more anger began to release its tight hold on me.

I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted God to know everything about me no matter how embarrassing it was for me to tell Him. I found strength in simply being honest with Him. Being honest with God allowed me to be honest with myself. Being honest with myself opened new eyes to see issues once blind to me. My flaws became larger than the flaws of others. When I read scripture like Matthew 7:3, I had a new clear understanding and personal conviction. I didn’t close the Bible and wish I hadn’t read the verse. I dug into it. I added it to the pain and affliction I dug up and began to think how I could change to better handle hard situations. I was no longer struggling to memorize scripture. I was living scripture.

I did have to be careful. Not only was I an angry person lacking self-confidence, I suffer from being extremely hard on myself. I had to purposefully turn to scripture to focus on mistakes while ignoring the self inflicted guilt and shame. God did not intend for me to feel dirty from my mistakes. He washed me clean. I prayed for God to create a clean heart (Psalm 51:10) and personally believed He washed me clean every time guilt and shame crept in. Realizing I spent enough time being embarrassed over mistakes, it was time to learn how to stop making them to avoid feelings distancing me from God.

I had to forgive myself. God did not complete the sacrifice on the cross for me to live a life of guilt and shame. He loves me despite my sin and wants me clean. I had to accept His love in each situation I felt guilty or shameful.  I also had to forgive people who have caused pain and created conflict in my life. Jesus suffered for us all. The cross had new meaning in my life by humbly considering all included more than just me, I acknowledged all to include even those who hurt me.

I still struggle. I still get angry, but it is different now. I find my true existence believing God made me and work to become the person He intended me to be so I don’t stay angry and act less and less from angry motives.

I can’t completely describe how things have changed because I don’t fully understand the work of God. It is as if God reached inside and pulled the anger out of me. Although I don’t fully understand, I have a thankful heart for His work. Focusing on being a better Christ follower has pushed the unwanted junk away from my heart to achieve lasting transformation.

God, thank you for the cross making forgiveness and transformation possible. Help us take proper steps to give the cross new life as opposed to something that stands tall outside a church building. May your words in the Bible speak to us as if you were reading them aloud to make them personal, convicting and full of hope. Thank you for your love and acceptance. In Jesus perfect name I pray. Amen.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. – Galatians 2:20

Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. – Colossians 3:16

And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? – Matthew 7:3