Guilt

I began to experience guilt as a child when I did something to make Mom or Dad unhappy or something foolish like cheat in math class. I knew I was wrong and punishment and consequences intensified guilty feelings. Going to church to confess my sins before a priest in a stuffy, tight space magnified shame from guilt. Leaving the little box felt as if everyone was staring at me and knew all I had done wrong shining a spotlight on my guilt.

It starts as a child. With a developing mind and more difficult situations, it grows into more. You wish you could turn back to change one little thing to avoid the avalanche of chaos, but what’s done is done. Guilt has set in and can mentally paralyze what is good in you. Guilt leaves you with a complexity of emotion sparked by the evil one to greatly distract you from all that is good and from God.

One Friday night, my boyfriend proposed, I said yes and wore a new ring as we celebrated the evening with his family and friends. Less than 48 hours later we learned I was pregnant. The news was not received well and brought my celebration to a quick end. Greatly intensified guilt sprouted new feelings of shame. I was only 20 years old and felt completely guilty from messing up what my parents and church taught. I was not supposed to get pregnant before I was married --only I had.

Guilt from childhood decisions and lifestyle practices piled high with the new guilt of creating a child before my time. What I love about God is even before we are ready to receive Him personally into our life or we know of His existence, He works for us. The moment I was able to look at her beauty and hold her in my arms, the guilt melted away.

Guilt is like a dirty pile of bricks weighing you down.

For years my family was unhealthy and suffered from brokenness. Guilt had no problem finding me again. It came upon me like a pile of bricks being thrown at me one at a time without ceasing. Unable to hold them all, they fell to my feet, hurting everything they touched to create a wall around me blocking true reality. Not only was I guilty for my part of the situations I was drowning in, I felt guilty for the same situations surrounding my innocent child. Guilt continued many more years for the pain she and I continued to endure.

I thought I was a master at living with guilt. Having suffered from it most of my life, I was sure I knew how it felt from every aspect. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I felt guilt like no other when I saw my grandfather fall down his porch stairs. It was as if it happened in slow motion and I was only a spectator with my hands behind my back. Too far away to help break his fall, I watched the concrete abruptly break his tumble. My heart pounded in my chest as I cried out his name wishing my voice could somehow soften the impact. When time returned to follow each second in real time, I raced to his side. Scared from the blood. Frozen in fear. I was not thinking clearly. With the help of my calm grandmother, we were able to get him cleaned up and safely returned to his favorite chair.

I silently thanked God he was not hurt as badly as the fall first appeared. Although thankful, I felt extremely guilty. I knew the thoughts were unjustifiably based and damaging. Knowing it was wrong did not stop the flood of emotion as the moment continuously replayed in my mind. I wanted him to be as I found him when I arrived. Even though my grandparents spoke kind words to help alleviate the pain, I drove home with guilty thoughts. The further I drove, the louder guilt spoke. I knew I needed to stop the guilt before it spiraled out of control. The difference between now and when I was twenty is I know where to turn when my thoughts try to overpower what I know to be right. I knew I needed to talk to God. So I prayed as I drove and allowed truth to pour in.

I reached out to several women from Bible Study and I spoke to my husband and sisters. As I retold the story over and over to cycle through it all, I heard encouraging words. Women began to pray for guilt to be released, his speedy recovery and my worry stricken family. I am grateful guilty thoughts do not fit with the truths God has for us. Slowly guilt began to speak in more hushed tones and dissipate as the day began to come to a close.

Thinking on repeat makes guilty thoughts absolute. Transferring thoughts to audible words enables me to pin point what is false, keep it untrue and shield myself from being misguided from false realities avoiding damaging impact.

I often wish this fall and all others in my life did not happen. However, God has been present for it all. With everything Satan touches, God also touches. I realized I was focusing on the evil touch rather than the loving touch of Christ. Had I not fallen in my twenties, I would not have my deep and personal relationship with God. Because of the downfalls, my daughter and I have a durable bond because we decide to overcome by focusing on truth and God.

There is no time for guilt and shame if focus is on what is important. If I had listened to the guilt, I would not have visited so soon after the fall and missed meaningful moments of joy and laughter. Thankfulness and love stamp my heart leaving no room for the guilt that attempted to overstay its welcome.

This week my grandmother told me how proud she is of me with the biggest smile. She tells me every time I see her as if it was the first time she has shared the feelings of satisfaction with me. The interesting thing is she knows just about every life-altering mistake I’ve made. She doesn’t see all my mistakes when she looks at me. She focuses on my determination, how I love her back and what I’ve done right despite my mistakes. Her love reminds me of God’s love. Because I am a sinner and live in a fallen world, I do fall captive to guilt. But now I reach out to God for help. God rescues me. He picks me up, washes me clean and sends me on my way stronger, wiser and more dedicated to Him.

God loves you just the same. I pray you feel God’s perfect love in your experiences to guide you toward release from the guilt you feel.

God we thank you for washing away our embarrassment, shame, guilt and regret. Help us to live purposefully for the moment of truth. Encourage us to leave the evil we get caught up in and focus on you. Comfort us in each moment to open our eyes to your majesty clearly sending us on our way stronger, wiser and closer to you. Thank you for the sacrifices Jesus made on the cross to make this all possible. It is in Jesus perfect name I pray. Amen.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your soul.” – Matthew 11:28-29 NLT

But you, O Lord, are a God of compassion and mercy, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. –Psalm 86:15 (NLT)

But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. -1 John 1:9 (NLT)

“I – yes, I alone – will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again.” -Isaiah 43:25 (NLT)