I was in a prison cell of anger and
did not know how to get out. I kept
hearing the word transformation in
sermons and knew I wanted the dramatic change from inside so I began to work
for it.
Through prayer and communication
with God, I surrendered my life to Him as fully as I knew how. Understanding I
needed God to greatly transform my life, I started a new way of thinking to
mentally approach situations differently. I realized I was the problem.
The most difficult part of
transformation was the digging deep process. I started by selecting a specific
memory from childhood and thought about it in great detail. I needed to remember
what happened focusing on how I felt without using the word angry. Writing down the specifics of the
memory provided an open outlet between God and I. Releasing my mind with
freedom to roam unleashed true and raw emotion I normally block to protect
myself. Because God held my hand through the process, I was encouraged to continue
with several other specific memories eagerly awaiting the next piece of truth I
had buried. Preventing myself from using the word angry to describe how I felt welcomed a new perspective to the
person I had subconsciously become. By opening a better understanding of more
defined feelings, I began to find the answers I was looking for.
I learned I have never really had
confidence. Around other kids at school, I was ashamed of my different skin
color. I wanted to hide. If they couldn’t see me, they couldn’t make fun of me.
To make matters worse, my clothes were not nearly up to par. I had glasses,
braces and weird hair. So many things to make fun of with no detail spared when
kids pointed and laughed at each flaw. I went through a phase refusing to wear
shorts during the hot summer months afraid to be made fun of for my pale,
skinny legs. Learning to hide and feel less than what God created became
normal.
At home I lacked confidence because
I felt I could not do much to make Mom proud of me. It seemed as though every
way I turned, she found something to correct. When she corrected me, I didn’t
feel like she loved me. I fixated on the anger displayed in her voice and
expressions. Feeling uncomfortable, insignificant and bothersome became second
nature. Always wanting something different, I grew more and more sad. I began
to discover the root of my anger when I saw how sadness was misidentified and
displayed as anger.
In the beginning I was looking for
quick fixes. I wanted a Bible verse to memorize and repeat throughout my day to
magically prevent me from acting out my anger. To no surprise, it did not quite
work that way. I was discouraged the Bible was not helping in moments I
struggled the most. Without understanding why it wasn’t working for me, I began
to naturally think the problem had to be me. I was intimidated because others
knew so much more about the Bible, could recite verses word for word, recount
Paul’s entire journey or know how something from the Old Testament related to
the New Testament. I had not read the Bible cover to cover making me feel like
I was not good enough to benefit from it. I fixated on the struggle. Stuck in my troublesome thoughts, I remembered
my surrender. I accepted the fact I needed confidence from the Lord because the
battle within was so deep it prevented me from finding confidence to read the
Bible.
I began to read scripture as if God
was reading His words directly to me.
My precious child, be strong and
courageous! Rachel I know you feel weak, but don’t be afraid. Do not panic and
lose control before them. I am the Lord your God and I will personally go ahead
of you. I will neither fail you nor abandon you. Deuteronomy 31:6 was a promise
God made to me. He affirmed how I felt and how others had so often failed me.
The Holy Spirit wrapped the words around my heart. The words were not just
words I tried to memorize anymore. They were words spoken into my broken soul
as God instructed me toward his righteousness.
The more I aligned my thoughts with
the words in the Bible, the more anger began to release its tight hold on me.
I didn’t want to hide anymore. I
wanted God to know everything about me no matter how embarrassing it was for me
to tell Him. I found strength in simply being honest with Him. Being honest
with God allowed me to be honest with myself. Being honest with myself opened
new eyes to see issues once blind to me. My flaws became larger than the flaws
of others. When I read scripture like Matthew 7:3, I had a new clear
understanding and personal conviction. I didn’t close the Bible and wish I
hadn’t read the verse. I dug into it. I added it to the pain and affliction I
dug up and began to think how I could change to better handle hard situations. I
was no longer struggling to memorize scripture. I was living scripture.
I did have to be careful. Not only
was I an angry person lacking self-confidence, I suffer from being extremely
hard on myself. I had to purposefully turn to scripture to focus on mistakes
while ignoring the self inflicted guilt and shame. God did not intend for me to
feel dirty from my mistakes. He washed me clean. I prayed for God to create a
clean heart (Psalm 51:10) and personally believed He washed me clean every time
guilt and shame crept in. Realizing I spent enough time being embarrassed over
mistakes, it was time to learn how to stop making them to avoid feelings
distancing me from God.
I had to forgive myself. God did
not complete the sacrifice on the cross for me to live a life of guilt and
shame. He loves me despite my sin and wants me clean. I had to accept His love
in each situation I felt guilty or shameful.
I also had to forgive people who have caused pain and created conflict
in my life. Jesus suffered for us all.
The cross had new meaning in my life by humbly considering all included more than just me, I acknowledged all to include even those who hurt me.
I still struggle. I still get angry,
but it is different now. I find my true existence believing God made me and
work to become the person He intended me to be so I don’t stay angry and act
less and less from angry motives.
I can’t completely describe how
things have changed because I don’t fully understand the work of God. It is as
if God reached inside and pulled the anger out of me. Although I don’t fully
understand, I have a thankful heart for His work. Focusing on being a better
Christ follower has pushed the unwanted junk away from my heart to achieve lasting
transformation.
God, thank you for the cross making
forgiveness and transformation possible. Help us take proper steps to give the
cross new life as opposed to something that stands tall outside a church
building. May your words in the Bible speak to us as if you were reading them
aloud to make them personal, convicting and full of hope. Thank you for your
love and acceptance. In Jesus perfect name I pray. Amen.
My
old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ
lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved
me and gave himself for me. – Galatians 2:20
Let
the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and
counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and
spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. – Colossians 3:16
And
why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? –
Matthew 7:3
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