Decisions Decisions

Sitting in the booth of a favorite restaurant, I looked over the menu although I knew what I was going to order and heard my son talking about his picture menu. He was deciding between two dishes and quickly singled out the grilled cheese. My daughter and husband on the other hand took a little longer to make their choices. The waitress came ready to take our order, but like most times we had to ask for a moment longer. Uncertainty was ever present on both of their faces as they contemplated over their menu. Together they discussed the pros and cons of their options as my son repeated how he was going to order for himself with a smile of confidence on his face.

My son had it all figured out and was ready to act independently because his days are filled with everyone telling him how to spend his time. He doesn't have control over what will take place throughout his day and has to ride out correction after correction. He was ready to make a decision and take action on his own to see his desires reality. Much different from the four year old, my husband and daughter are constantly faced with needing to make decisions with more impact and purpose. It is easier for them to make decisions impacting the future as opposed to what drink and snack they will get from the gas station.

Decisions. Decisions.

Others may related with the struggle of making impactful decisions by getting lost in the indecisiveness of thoughts fueled by anxiety and worry. This is the category I find myself. During hard times in my life after my divorce, I discovered over time I lost perspective of who I was. I didn't know how to think for myself. I didn't know what I wanted out of life or all life had to offer. I didn't know what I liked or disliked and I didn't know how to spend time to make me happy. I was lost and didn't even know it. I was faced with making decisions not only impacting my life, but also those of my daughter.

What if I make the wrong decision?

The fear was mentally paralyzing.

Our lives are driven by the decisions we make. Even if we are dealt some bad cards to make for unwanted situations, we get to decide how we navigate through the unwanted circumstances. I knew the way I used to think was in desperate need of change because I struggled with navigating the direction of my life. While going through a divorce, I experienced what felt like judgment and disapproval. The Bible was used incorrectly about the pain I was causing with my decision to divorce, overlooking the pain I had endured during the marriage. As best I knew how, I turned to the Bible to learn how a wife and child should be treated and how we should all love and be loved. The Bible was used to make me feel more shame, guilt and completely wrong in my decisions. I knew this was not how God intended me to feel so I decided to start reading His Word myself. I was losing all hope listening to others and knew I could not leave it to other people to tell me what God desired for me.

What if I focus my eyes on Jesus and allow God to impact my thoughts and decisions?

12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14a I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."  Jeremiah 29:12-14a (NIV)

Scripture like this reached deep down into my soul. Reading the Word of God gave me comfort I did not know was possible. Despite my shame, fear and wonder of making right decisions, I was secure in His love. No where did the verses say you are wrong. How dare you! You should be ashamed of yourself. They said, "I will listen to you." Such simple words promised something I so desperately needed because no one listened to me. It seemed as if everyone hollered about my imperfections in a situation they were fractionally wise to. God said, "I will bring you back from captivity." I did not know which person in the Bible He was talking to in this scripture, nor did I know what was holding them captive. I was however very aware of my captivity. Reading His words began a release of fear and shame. What I was reading was just enough to read more, trust more and want more. His words made me feel as though He was picking me up, as broken as I was, to release me from my heartache. The Holy Spirit transformed the words I read to warm and allure my heart. The healing of my heart and mind had only just begun. I continued to read His word and be changed by His grace. Slowly I confidently made more wise decisions based on the love I was learning about.

Reading His Word
Released Me From Captivity

We are all God's people. He loves us just the same. Whomever the promise is for in the Bible, the same it can be for us. We may have different situations, but the love of God is the same and can blanket any situation. His promises are not selective nor are they a thing of the past. The Holy Spirit speaks to us just as we need when we make good decisions like reading the Bible as a transforming work of art. My life would not be the same without the presence of God in my life.

If you have never felt the presence of God, I pray your heart is open to see and receive the majesty in His love and acceptance. If you have felt the presence of God, pray God would touch someone else you know just the way they need to point them to the Father. They need His love, comfort and grace just as you once did.

Lord, release us from our captivity. May we seek and find you for true transformation of our heart and mind. God, I pray our decisions would be more Christ focused and driven by your love. Amen.

Experiencing the Clash

When I was a new believer and follower of Christ everything about Christianity sounded so great. I wanted to experience the love and acceptance preached from the pulpit to drown the overwhelming feelings of pain and isolation. Unfortunately, the burning desire was not sufficient because I did not know how to discern what I read in the Bible and I surely did not know how to implement what I read. Sermons were awesome and inspiring, but when I left the church walls, life began to happen again and I floundered because I was looking for immediate results. What I wanted was so foreign to the world I lived in and my new desires created conflict.

I lacked the knowhow to put pieces together and was misguided by not fully understanding scripture, allowing others to influence my beliefs and intensify my fears. My newly found spirituality clashed with my lifestyle, ways of thinking, habits, and even what other people were accustomed to in my life. Experiencing this clash has not solely taken place at the beginning of my walk with Christ. Time and again I have sensed a sort of kick back to faith. Different situations have all pointed to the fact our human and sinful nature get in the way to explain the conflict in our soul. God knows this conflict we live with. He knows we need help; therefore, we have been gifted The Bible along with tools and resources to aid in our understanding of this precious gift to mend our soul.

Exodus 33 is a beautiful story illustrating a right relationship between God and Moses. We can learn so much from this story to help keep our eyes focused on God.

Moses was prepared and built up by God. He was intentional and purposeful to have conversations with God. He knew prayer grew strength and comfort to his faith. In verse 18 Moses courageously said to God, “Then show me your glorious presence.” God’s response in verse 19 is, “I will make all my goodness pass before you.” When I started learning about a relationship with God, I originally thought all I had to do was ask. I later learned the full truth. There is more to prayer than simply asking God for what we need. We have to build a relationship with God to know His ways and desires. Our prayers should line up with the things we need to be equipped and built on His solid foundation. (1 John 5:14-15) Asking apart from the individual relationship can isolate us to selfish thoughts driving us to miss the opportunity to fully experience God as Moses did. We have to have our heart and mind open to see the goodness God puts in our path. In the beginning of this story, Moses did not get the response he was looking for from God. But he trusted God. His boldness and honesty with God helped him to understand God’s intentions and accept the reality of his situation.

I love the way this story describes the intimacy of prayer time. Verse 9 says, “As he went into the tent, the pillar of cloud would come down and hover at its entrance while the Lord spoke with Moses.” The word intimacy used to distract me when I heard it referred to as a kind of relationship we can have with God. This verse helped me discern and relate to the kind of intimacy valuable to our spiritual health. When we go to God with the intent and focus to experience His presence, it matters to Him. It is exclusive. Because he loves us, He meets with us with a closeness that satisfies the soul. God intently unites with us because He desires us as much as our heart demands Him.

I heard a speaker describe our walk with God differently than I heard before to make it stick in my mind. She said, “God holds our hand just as a mom holds the hand of a baby learning to walk to prevent falls.” Not only does He walk with us and hold our hand, He goes before us to make the difficult paths possible. We can trust Him and know despite the heartache and pain, He is there guiding us through it as headlights guide us down a dark road. If we close our eyes, the headlights have no purpose and we are sure to crash. We have to have our eyes fixated on Him with our heart and mind ready to receive the goodness He will leave in our path. When we obsess on the pain or situation dragging us down, we miss God. We miss what He is doing in our life and may even become angry with Him.

1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. – Psalm 40:1-2 (NLT)

Lord, help us to feel your presence in the good and most definitely in the bad. May our minds be focused on the things from above and not the things on this earth. Amen. (Colossians 3:2)

1 Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, 2 but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. 3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither – whatever they do prospers. 4 Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away. 5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous. 6 For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction. –Psalm 1:1-6 (NIV)

Reflections

Sometimes things said in sermons on Sunday morning stick to me like peanut butter to a cracker or gum to the bottom of my shoe. It is good stuff and just won't go away. Memory fails me so I would not be able to repeat the phrase word for word. Most time I cannot remember who preached it or what the sermon series was, but certain words have a way of playing in my mind to make me think very deeply on my life.

"No unhealthy person can be in a lasting, healthy relationship."
(Said something like this one Sunday morning by one of my pastors).

When I first reflected on this one, I started to mentally list the unhealthy parts of other people I struggle to have a healthy relationship with. Of course the reason for the struggle was due to their unhealthy issues. I am totally fine and have no part in the unhealthy category. Ha! You can laugh. I know it is a silly and foolish way of thinking. God probably laughs too the way I do when my kids tell me they did their best and I know it was only a fraction of their best. One of the many reasons I love God so much is because He does not leave me thinking so foolishly for very long. It is the moments when I think I have it all figured out when I realize I have it all wrong. He has this way of putting me in front of a mirror and showing me very graciously I too stand in the wrong and unhealthy category.

Last week I told you a little about the recovery I went through after my knee surgery. For me to think I was mentally healthy in those moments is crazy. Even when I knew I was struggling, I stuck a feel sorry for me sticker on my shirt and wore it proudly. I thought others should have excused any bad behavior, words or actions I displayed because of what I was going through with no regard to their feelings. The problem is no one could see this imaginary sticker. Sometimes we are not at our best during times of struggles and expect everyone around us to be at their best for us no matter our disregard for them. During hard times in my life, I have been unfiltered and unaware. This does not make me a permanent mentally unhealthy person, but it leaves me human with unhealthy flaws. Some of the pain endured in my past has left me more unhealthy mentally and caused damage in others I was completely blind to. Sometimes it is easier to point fingers and justify unwanted behavior. Thankfully, the healthy relationships during times like this in my life have weathered the storm. Unfortunately, some did not and will never be the same.

I have experienced humiliation and lack of respect by actions or words of others to later learn the individual was silently suffering through an unimaginable struggle. Relationships are so hard. Wouldn't it be great if we had a super power allowing us to see people with sticky notes detailing more about them? There would be no hidden characteristics. No hidden fears. No hidden past hurt. No hidden abuse. No hidden battles. Nothing hidden. Surely we could get it right with people then, right? Realistically thinking, no. We wouldn't. We would probably get ourselves into more trouble almost like those embarrassing moments on TV where the blind child is yelled at as to hear better. We need to stop trying to overcompensate or justify our wrong behavior and look into the mirror to find the fault we can change. The transformation we so greatly desire in other people is wrongly focused. We need to pray for transformation in our own lives that lines up with scripture.

What if we shifted our prayers and asked God to remove our comfortable blinders? It is painful. It hurts to not have that kind of self-protection. It makes us vulnerable. It makes us cry. It makes us angry and it is no fun to point the finger at ourselves, but it is necessary if we want healthy relationships in our life. We need to take the focus off what others have done to us and focus our attention to the hurt we have caused. We need to focus on forgiveness and grace. I needed God to transform my mind and heart to see His mighty hand at work as opposed to negative should have thoughts cradled by doubt, fear, selfishness and sinful choices. I needed to trust Him more than I trusted myself.

1 Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. 2 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. 3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. - Romans 5:1-5 (NLT)

What will your mirror reflect?

We cannot be afraid to dig deeper into the ugly and grueling parts of our past. Our pain should not be a crutch to our life. It will control us if we do not stare it in the face and figure out what past experiences caused the damaging pain. The longer we remain on the crutches of pain, the longer we suffer from the injury. The fear will prevent healing and release of the crutches. We will never be changed and we will never truly experience the grace and forgiveness of God.


Lord, we lift our agony of pain to you. Please help us to be released from the restraints our pain holds us in to be able to experience your grace and forgiveness. May our prayers be heart from our heart even if our words are vague. Thank you God for your love. May it flow through our pain like a breath of fresh air. Amen.

26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will. - Romans 8:26-27 (NLT)

Baby Steps

Sweat was pouring from my face. My heart rate was up and I struggled to breath as anyone would after an intense workout. My eyes squinted as pain ran through my right leg. I looked down and huffed because I had only . . . walked . . . five . . . minutes! Frustration mounted as the treadmill barely moved and I struggled to keep up with the sluggish moves of the belt. I so badly wanted to be able to crank up the speed and have sweat from an actual, calorie-burning workout, but I had just learned to walk again after a rare knee surgery and my body was not ready. I was a year into recovery and frustration did not even begin to describe the annoyance and irritability of weight gain and restrictions. I had grown into a depression and had lost hope. Despite the surgeon telling me I would be able to run again, I labeled him as a liar and began to give up.

I went to my doctor for my normal checkup and told him my medication was off or I needed diet pills or something to help me lose weight. I was barely able to get on an exercise bike, was not burning calories with my turtle like walks and I was doing my best to eat right. (Talk about liar! I was eating because I felt sorry for myself while complaining and watching myself enlarge). I did get a look of sympathy from the doc, but that was about it from him. He had the nurse draw my blood just as he did twice a year and told me to start with slow and more realistic goals. Some one in my position had to first accept the facts of restrictions and make changes to achieve results. He suggested I download an app to count calories and start being more aware of what I was eating, stick to physical therapy and gradually add to exercise approved by the surgeon. Of course he was right, but I did not want to hear it. I had to make a change. The first change was mental - the hardest of all changes to make.

Baby Steps

I stomped my feet, whined to family and friends and grew more angry with my stupid situation. I had a pity party with God and told Him the long list of reasons why I felt the way I felt and justified my foolish thoughts and behavior because of what I was going through. In the last seconds of my rant prayer, I asked him for His help with out specifics because it seemed near impossible to me. The cool thing about asking God for help is He hears and cares. Once we ask for His help, He helps! The process seems so easy, but for me I was too stubborn and selfish in my frustrations to simply ask for help. The truth is He doesn't need specifics from us. Through moments like this in my life, I learned when I tell God how to help with specifics, I am playing God. I am blocking the perfect help He is so ready and capable to give. Because of my baby step to ask for help, He changed the way I thought by giving me new desires and the required will power to move forward with literal baby steps showing small progress. A year and a half later I am able to run brace free. What started as a 5 minute, painful walk resulted in the ability to run a few miles brace free.

Extreme thoughts lead to extreme behaviors and lack desired results. I think we do the same thing with our spiritual growth. We say we are going to do all these things that greatly impact our schedules, but are not long lived and lack real growth. Just as a calorie counting app can teach us to make life changing and attainable adjustments, so can scripture for our spiritual growth. Reading the Bible without understanding what is being read can allow the words to fall short. The true meaning and the full impact God desires His Word for us personally can be missed. Taking the time to really understand scripture as an application to life is what builds our spiritual muscles to help us live more like Jesus every day.

Acts 2:38
Each of you must repent of your sins and turn to God, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

These words in Acts are not just for a new believer not yet baptized and learning to repent. It is for everyone striving for a better relationship with Christ. It is keeping our baptism in the present and not a thing of the past. We can't be afraid to be honest in God's presence. He already knows of our sin and how it impacts us negatively. We need to tell Him the truth and ask for His forgiveness so we don't feel guilty anymore. No one likes the burden and weight of shame. If we confess our wrongdoings and are honest with ourselves and with God, we will not be help captive to the mental aftermath of the sin. The Holy Spirit is always with you if you gave your life to Christ, but sometimes we don't feel the presence of the Holy Spirit because the sin is eating away at us. Saying I am sorry for the sin rejuvenates the presence of the Holy Spirit because our minds are not fogged with the guilt and shame of the sin. The bonus points that can be applied to this scripture is asking God to show us the sin in our life we do not see. Sometimes the sin we are blinded to, is the sin most negatively impacting to our life.

Psalm 16:8
I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

Psalm 16:8 is about transformation and how we allow The Bible to persuade our life and daily decisions to make a lasting impact. I do know the Lord is always we me, but I have to acknowledge Him and invite Him into my every day. I am not the kind of person that says, "Good morning God." Sometimes I forget to pray or am forced out of bed before I pray, but I do try to pray several times a day. Doing this keeps my mind more focused on what would make God smile. I don't like the feeling that overcomes me when I feel I have made him frown with disappointment. In my life, I have been and will continue to be shaken, but the more I remember He is right beside me, the less I am uprooted from my faith. Focused faith stabilizes my controllable actions noticeable to those around me like my husband and kids who see my every mood and are affected by the behaviors of my emotions.

Difficult and dedication do not define extreme. Enduring and pushing through the hard is what builds character and results. I challenge you to throw out the world forced extreme New Year's Resolution - whatever it may be and swap it with a pray and a different course of action lead by God's Word.

Lord, help me to live less of an extreme life and more of an even paced life guided by The Bible. Help me to have the time to read it, understand it and desire to implement what I learn. May my light shine brighter than ever before and the results of growing closer to you keep me better grounded to make good decisions that impact even those around me. God, thank you for loving me and sacrificing your son Jesus Christ for my sins. I pray these words in His name. Amen.