God Won't Let Me Quit

I started my day early. The alarm went off just before 6 am. I was proud of myself for not hitting snooze and falling back to sleep. Instead, I got up and on the treadmill. I read some scripture, listened to some worship music and before 7 am I felt ready. I was even intentional the night before to go to bed early so I could get all the items on the to do list marked off so I could sit down and focus my time on work. Without having a 9-5 job and a preschool facility for my son, intentionality is a must to make time for writing or it will never happen. Writing is not something that is forced on me. Everything else will seem as though it is forced on me if I allow the tasks and requests to bog me down and steal all the minutes the day holds.

I drove my daughter to school early as she requested and made my way home now focused on a little school time with my son. The day before had been successful in every way during our instructional time, but I soon discovered today was a new day. He was not at all cooperating and testing every bit of new patience. Soon the day started to melt down only 3 short hours after it started. After a complete misunderstanding with my husband I was angry and any thing but agreeable. Suddenly my focus was laser pointed on all the wrongdoing around me and completely oblivious to my own behavior.

Have you ever wanted to quit?

I JUST WANT TO QUIT!

The words came out of my mouth not once, but several times. They didn’t even seem wrong. It was exactly how I felt.

“This is just too hard!”

And just like that I was in no place to do God’s work.

I had to leave the house for an appointment so I packed my laptop bag and purse with the intention of doing something productive after the appointment. As I drove out of the driveway and away from home, my mind was fixated – QUIT! As I drove a little further my thoughts almost immediately began to shift as the Holy Spirit began to work in me. I started to think about how the audience on my blog has increased. The voice whispering QUIT was now overshadowed. You can't quit.  Even just one more visitor reading the words inspired by God is reason enough to keep going. As I continued driving I sat in silence. No radio. No phone calls or texts. I talked to God and told Him I knew I couldn’t quit, but it was so hard and I asked for His help. After following the commands of the GPS while driving in a part of town I do not frequent, I looked to the left and noticed the bakery where it all started. The bakery is where dear friends from bible study encouraged me to follow my passion and implanted a burning desire to follow God’s calling. I vividly remembered the warm summer night standing in the parking lot as my calling seemed so clear and even possible. A tear left my eye as I drove by. I felt the visual reminder as an answer to the prayer I had just prayed moments ago. YOU CAN’T QUIT. As I sat in the waiting room for my name to be called, I placed my laptop on my lap. With my mind completely fixated on God and the situation at hand, I wrote these words:

“Realizing this is not about me has been painful. I have wanted to quit before. More than once, but today it is different. Today I even said the words out loud because the attacks of Satan have been overwhelming. Painful. The attacks are like daggers in the heart that wear my mind out. I know support cannot solely come from those of this earth, but it still hurts when people let me down. No fault to them. They are not You. I know I have to seek You. As rewarding and comforting as seeking You can be, it is hard when demonic attacks are strong. Earlier my mind repeated. Quit. Quit. This is too hard. Tears formed, but I did not allow them to fall. As I drove the words penetrated within me. I knew they did not belong, but felt I did not have the power to remove them.  I know I need your help."

After the appointment, I sat in my car and looked over my phone that sat silent in my purse since I left the house. The prayer request waiting for me was yet another attempt from the evil one to bring down a friend and her family. It pained me to hear of the hurt and reminded me I was not alone in the demonic attempts to take our focus off of God. The prayer request was very personal, vulnerable and immediately closed my eyes in prayer. You aren’t the only one suffering from the attacks. People you need you Rachel. You can’t quit.

Then I got a wild hair to make the drive to visit my grandfather in the nursing home. I was supposed to work on my book the remainder of the day, but the visit seemed to be more important. Following GPS once more in silence and prayer, I decided to turn the radio on. The words spoken in the song spoke to my heart as if they were from God himself. The comfort of being held in His presence whispered yet again. You can’t quit.

I surprised my grandfather and had a memorable one on one time with him. As if that was not gift enough, I had the opportunity of having lunch with my grandmother – just the two of us. The joy in my heart from sitting across from one of my favorite people was the medicine my soul needed. It was truly a gift to each of us. We talked as if we were old friends. No topic was off limits. I told her a bit about my day. She told me a bit about her month. We talked about how the presence of God and the power of prayer can keep us going as the kind waitress continued to fill our coffee cups.

With a smile on her face she said, “Rachel, I am so proud of you! I wish you well.” The smile on her face said it all. Then the words hugged my heart and yet another whisper. You can’t quit!

I noticed a large traffic jam as I was driving toward the nursing home and decided I should take a different, less traveled way home. As I annoyingly approached traffic on the alternative route, I held my head in my hand rested on the door. At that moment I read these words from a billboard. “Even in this moment, Jesus cares.” Without paying much attention to it, I turned the radio on. The same song that played previous in the day was on again. The same song that spoke directly to my heart and the feelings I was trapped in. I immediately turned back to the billboard and realized God was very present in my day and the whispers were not quite whispers anymore. They were billboards!

This day also happened to be the day I attend Bible Study where we by no surprise are learning of the attacks of Satan and how to prepare ourselves to stand strong. I did not even want to go to Bible Study this morning. Remember – Ms. I Quit! Not only could I not wait to get there and share the amazing presence of God throughout my entire day, I was excited. I sent my group pictures of the billboard and a snap shot of the song on the radio. I attended Bible Study with a very changed heart and was blown away by the teachings and words shared throughout the evening.  God spoke to my heart in very transparent ways. What started out as Satan attempting to tear apart, God repaired. He left no time for me to even try to act on my foolish thoughts of giving up. He comforted me. He showed me truths. He found ways to make me see his presence and existence. But you know what? I wouldn’t have even seen His work had I not sat in silence and prayed. I could have driven right past the billboard I would have never seen otherwise. I could have not been filled up by my grandmother had I not listened to the nudge to go. Had I sat in attempts to write while licking my wounds, I would have missed it all. I would have missed God today.

Most Bible Study nights end with me kissing my son goodnight in hopes he doesn’t call me into his room again. I sit and talk with my daughter for a bit and sometimes even go for a run with my hubby. But this night my son was sound asleep in bed. The house was quiet. I was tired from answering the call of my early morning alarm, but God helped create a time and space for me to recapture the events of the day. I could not waste the precious gift. So I write these words with deepest gratitude for the love I experienced from my Father today.

I leave you with words from Priscilla Shirer tonight. I pray they bless and inspire you as they have me.

“When God’s peace is locked in your life, it will become your guide and protection. We cannot survive the storms in life without God’s peace.” – from The Armor of God

Father God thank you for your presence. Thank you for the reminders of your existence and affirmations to keep fighting when it gets hard. May we all be better at silence and prayer to grow our peace and notice you actively working in our life for comfort, guidance and to feel your protection. It is in Jesus precious name we pray. Amen.

But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless – like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anymore. So I decided to compare wisdom with foolishness and madness (for who can do this better than I, the king?) I thought, “Wisdom is better than foolishness, just as light is better than darkness. For the wise can see where they are going, but fools walk in the dark.” – Ecclesiastes 2:11-14 (NLT)

Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out. – Ephesians 6:14-18 (MSG)

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. –Colossians 3:15 (NLT)